It was a cloudy day. In fact it had been so for a few days; inside her, it had been so for months. With black tea and the leftover of Christmas cake, Rasti sat in her balcony. The gloomy, pessimistic weather reflected the storm inside her. The winds had been blowing since some time now, but she had ignored them. Rather she purposely did not care about them because it was scary; it needed effort to sort it out. And above all, it was tough. Working on yourself is always tough. So she had chosen the easier way out. Ignoring it. But as they say, a shortcut always has more obstacles. Now that she had hit the bottom, she had to sit with herself; this was due since long…
She began trying to remember, where she had gone wrong. But instead, she remembered the horrible situations that had been taking place in the last few weeks. She stumbled at the presentation, in front of the company’s clients, unable to answer their questions. It wasn’t that she could not answer them; she had just frozen. Her brain had stopped responding. Later, when her boss asked her for the reason, ‘I don’t know’ was all that she could say. On her way back home that day, she contemplated on her boss’s decision; ‘Take a month’s leave, Rasti. The company cannot afford people who aren’t confident of themselves’. And that stung; her confidence was probably the only thing she had in her resume when she was hired.
She had moderate scores, could not really answer most of the interviewer’s questions but the glow of confidence on her face convinced the man that somehow he won’t regret hiring her! And now her only trait was doubted.
She remembered Aditya’s last words, ‘I’m sorry Rasti, but I really don’t think it’s working out. You don’t really seem interested anymore and actually I have started liking someone else…’ She didn’t really bother hearing the rest; she was stuck at ‘…you don’t really seem interested anymore….’ Yes, he had spotted it well. She hadn’t been herself lately; uninterested in everything. She had just smiled and said,’ I understand Adi. Goodnight.’ They had been friends for a few months before they got committed. It was not out of feelings; rather it was more out of necessity of a partner for social occasions for both of them.
Her beeping phone reminded of how many people she had lost this year itself. She had stopped talking to her best friend. It wasn’t sudden. Their hour long conversations had been gradually reduced to ‘hmm’s and ‘k’s. So, she had distanced herself. Just liking her bestie’s posts on her newsfeed from time to time. Rasti didn’t ping her; partly because of ‘Why me first?’ and partly because she thought she must be busy with others. Similar were cases with several of her friends. Her college friends, school friends…facebook brought their smiling faces on her screen. Everybody looked happy. Year ending it was after all! Food, Santa, smiles, places, tags….happy people all around and here she was with a cup of cold coffee…
Shoot! She didn’t notice when the coffee had gone cold. So, she picked up the cup and went to reheat it. On her way to the kitchen, her eyes turned towards the medals that hung in her room. Quite a bunch she had made in school and college. She had always been sporty. Badminton was her favorite. Her racquet was still there…umm…somewhere in the room! She switched on the light in the room. It had probably been months since she shifted. She had just dumped all the things in here. So, she started scanning the boxes. Memories started popping up. Guess the Christmas cake was finally doing its magic! The class photograph reminded her how everyone promised to keep in touch after school but, well, life happened. She read the diary, last notes from friends- lively, confident, caring, and crazy; that is how they described her. They always believed she would be someone, reach somewhere in life. Huh! A smirk appeared on her face; they should see her now…how life got to her. Her hardly slept at night, hardly ate properly, was cranky always, tired. Tired of the same monotonous routine every day; office, cab, home, an occasional movie with acquaintances and boring shows on TV, to which she slept at night. Overall she lacked purpose. She got so involved in the race for survival that she had forgotten to live.
The pictures from her college days made her smile, really. Another phase of her life. It was good, she had grown up in it. She was lucky; she had found friends in college; people she felt at home with. The box of memories had opened. Pranks, bunked classes, doodling, exploring cheap foods, night before exams…she relieved them all in her mind; she was smiling now.
But I guess that’s the thing with memories, you cannot stop them once they resurface. You do not have the power to choose which ones you want to relieve. Then her eyes went to that one face on the picture. Yes, it was someone special. It was a different homely feeling with him. They were friends and then she fell for him. Over. Nothing remained the same anymore. She had stayed back trying to convince him of her feelings but life doesn’t always work out perfectly. He wasn’t her ex-boyfriend or something. He was an ex-almost…
The phone beeped. Her train of memories was de-railed. And simultaneously she felt her feet touching something. There she was…her Arc Saber 11; the racquet she was searching for. Back then it was her oxygen. The sound of the racquet against the shuttle was the sweetest sound; chasing the shuttle assured her she was alive and the court was her meditation hall. And now all was covered up in dust. She realized how she had always been prioritizing people over herself in her life; how she had let people determine the course of her story. They say if it’s not the time, you cannot figure out life even after thinking for ages; but one morning, you’ll wake up and there it is, you will know exactly what is wrong and what is to be done. And this was Rasti’s moment. She hadn’t figured out life but she knew what was to be done as of now. She didn’t know how to drive but at least decided to take control of the steering of her life. And that’s huge!
For the first time in months, she cooked for herself that night – Szechwan chicken and rice. Simple but her favorite. It reminded her of her mother back home; how she used to make it for her to cheer her up. She called home. Spoke to her parents for an hour that night. She felt like herself suddenly. She cleaned the room, putting all the memories on racks. Suddenly, she came across a picture of her at the sea-side in the waves and she knew what had to be done!
She called up her bestie. Convinced her for the trip. Switching on the laptop, she booked tickets and room. So, sea it was. She packed a few clothes, her shades, slippers, the Alchemist, and her diary. Yes, she needed the break. She had a lot of catching up to do. She found herself a badminton club nearby and signed up herself for it. So she put on her earphones and did some sky watching that night. I guess Rasti had finally found herself!
I can’t conclude that she lived happily ever after! Although I wish I could. But this is life. Rasti is us; you, me, almost everyone around us. Running for our day-jobs, grocery, social media, somewhere we forget to live; amidst liking and reacting posts we forget to actually converse with people. Time is the most precious thing. Money, fame yes they are needed but you can always earn them wherever you want. Time, however runs at its own speed. You’ll never be as young as you are right now! Scary, isn’t it? Well let me tell you a secret. No matter what people, trust me, its okay not to be okay always. Just take some time off, and find yourself.
‘Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain’